Tales from Fort Parent Hood

What have I gotten myself into? That question runs through my mind at least 15 times a day. No doubt it’s popped into every parent’s mind at some juncture, and perhaps like me, it’s a familiar mantra whispered frantically at chaotic moments. It’s also possible this thought has been muttered with an expletive thrown in for good measure. Raising children is one of the hardest things in the world. If it’s not, you’re doing it wrong. It should be a training objective for the military because you haven’t really earned your stripes as a human being until you’ve survived it. While you may get a 3-day pass every now and then, you eventually have to strap on your gear and return to the war zone. And if you go AWOL you can face jail time. Although you may need a translator occasionally, and the preferred method of torture is sleep deprivation, parenting is the most honorable duty you may ever perform.

My typical day begins with my daughter calling from her bed, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. C’mere. I got stinky.” Oh goodie. Nothing like a fresh poop to start your day off right. Next comes the ordeal of waking my son for school, which is the equivalent of rousing a wino from a 4-day binge. Although Connor has been doing this for 2 years, every morning without fail, he angrily accuses me of “losing my mind” for waking him up at such an unreasonable time. I’ve recently decided apologies are in order to my own parents: I was not a darling little angel in the mornings and my son has taken after me in that regard. Once we are finally prepared to go to school, I must advise Connor that his shoes are on the wrong feet. This is also an everyday occurrence. Watching him hobble out of the door like a penguin was cute and endearing the first couple of times; now it’s annoying and a little alarming. Sighing heavily, I ask, “Why do you always put your shoes on the wrong feet, son?” “Because I’m cool and hilarious,” Connor says matter-of-factly. How can I argue with that logic?

After the morning rush, the real work begins. There’s always cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, bill paying, and errand-running to do. On the best of days, I get to stay home and change dirty diapers, chase my daughter, prevent numerous potential fatalities my daughter can manage to inflict on herself, and endure temper tantrums that occur when the method of death is snatched away from her. Contrary to stereotypes assigned to stay-at-home moms, I do not watch hours of daytime television with a carton of ice cream in my lap. First of all, ice cream or other junk food must never even be mentioned in the presence of children, unless you enjoy wrestling a child trying to steal candy from you. I have the unfortunate curse of having a toddler that will eat absolutely anything. I’ve trained my stomach to go an entire day without eating just to avoid a fight. I’ve lost 15 pounds in the last 2 months. Having a non-picky, combative, hungry toddler is turning out to be the best diet ever! Second, even if I wanted to watch television all day, I’d never hear it over the continious cacophony of giggling, squealing, crying, yelling, banging and the sound of mysterious items breaking.

By the time 2:00 pm arrives, I am feeling a little faint, but eager to get the afternoon school pick-up over with. Or, as I like to call it, “Bungle in the Jungle.” Jethro Tull’s song of aggression, crime, and the human capacity for evil seems to have been inspired by the school pick-up and drop-off ritual. I have seen fist fights break out over parking disagreements. I’ve heard PTA moms yell profanities at one another for breaking some unwritten parking etiquette. And if some poor soul enters from the exit lane or vice versa, I cringe at the atrocities awaiting him or her. The most heinous action one can commit in the school yard is parking in the lane reserved for thru traffic. There is no other alternative for cars to drive so you‘re stuck until the jerk moves. When the driver of the offending vehicle leaves to go inside the school and traffic is backed up into the road, harried housewives, busy businessmen and women, and school buses are trapped in the parking lot like rats in cages. It’s the perfect storm. I’ve seen police called to the scene. I’ve heard death threats exchanged. I’ve even thrown in the finger on one occasion. One furious man broke into the car, put it in neutral and physically pushed it out of the way like a redneck Incredible Hulk. It’s the most dreaded part of my day. Not because I fear committing a parking lot felony, but because I’ve seen so much stuff go down, I feel like a veteran with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Just returning to the scene induces flashbacks and cold sweats. Once that ordeal is over, it’s back home.

The next few hours fly by in a flurry of homework, cooking, giving the kid’s their baths, putting them to bed, returning them to bed when they wander out, and finally yelling empty threats (I.e, you’re television is going in the trash, I’m going to put you in time-out for 12 hours, etc.) until they stay in the bed for the night. The rest of the night is dedicated to unwinding, watching my favorite tv shows, surfing the internet, and bathing. And just when I’m lulled into a false sense of peace, I hear the customary ker-plunk that indicates a child has fallen out of the bed. The identity of the child can be confirmed by listening to what immediately follows the thud. If it’s my daughter, Addison, I’ll hear a high-pitched wail to which I must respond promptly and offer comfort until the trauma is forgotten. If it’s Connor, I’ll hear, “What the…MOMMY!” In this case I can simply call out, “You fell out of the bed, Connor. It’s ok. Get back in and go to sleep.” The most amusing nights occur when something has propelled Connor from his bed to seek out mine. At best, I’ll awaken to see him stumbling into my room, looking like an inebriated sailor stumbling out of a bar. The confused look on his face seems to say, “I don’t know who I am, where I am, or where the I’m going. All I know is I gotta get the away from that place.” At worst, I’ll hear bumbling footsteps in the dark coming toward me and my still-asleep brain will assume an intruder has broken into the house to murder me. Terrified and frantic, I will scream, start trying to climb the headboard, and cry, “Oh God! Oh no! Oh God! Oh no!” until my husband shakes me awake and tells me, “It’s just Connor.” I swear to you: this has happened about 4 times. The first couple of times, I startled Connor and he started screaming also. Now, he just climbs in the bed unperturbed.

Such is the battle of parenthood. Even when my nerves have snapped completely apart, I love every minute of it. In desperate times like that, I hum “Highway to the Danger Zone” and imagine myself completing some super-perilous mission. What dampens my morale is when I hear people dissing stay-at-home moms. The most infuriating comments are, “Stay-at-home moms are lazy”, “You’re a disgrace to feminism”, and “Why don’t you get a job?” (A variation of this is the husband’s statement, “I can’t take out the trash. I actually have a job.” In this case, sending an invoice to your husband for jobs you perform in the place of chefs, chauffeurs, maids, therapists, tutors, nurses, nannies, and prostitutes should shut him up.) The lazy argument is ridiculous. The people that say this have never entirely taken care of a child for a whole day. As for feminism, wasn’t the point of it to empower women and give them choices? Just because my choice keeps me at home raising children doesn’t mean I’m a disgrace to my gender. Furthermore, working mothers enjoy bragging that they “have it all.” Um, no, actually you don’t. You have a career, more money, greater respect, but you are technically not raising your own children. The nanny or the child care worker spends more hours a day with your child than you do. The at-home moms are the ones having it all: they get to raise their children while they’re young, then pursue a fulfilling career when the kids are in school. It’s a lot tougher--by a country mile. I’m not knocking working moms, though. In many instances it’s a necessity. In others, it’s more about happiness and fulfillment. It’s wonderful and I applaud any working mother, especially single ones. My problem is with working mothers who feel superior, stronger, or more intelligent than stay-at-home moms. You’re not. Get over yourself.

For a job with no respect, recognition, reimbursement, or relief, it’s the greatest job in the world. I wear the battle scars stretched across my stomach with honor. I take comfort in knowing that I’m fighting for a cause greater than myself: the future generations of the world. I haven’t gotten my medals yet; in fact, I’m not even close. If this were basic training, I’d still be 10-12 years away from hell week. I’ll probably get wounded, I know I’ll get shot at, but at the end of my life, I want to retire knowing I fought the good fight. My goal is to have two beautiful medals that shine with love. God willing I never get called in for a third tour of duty! Adapt and overcome. That’s the objective isn’t it?

Stupid Liberal Quotes

These are some quotes I came across on the "Laissze-Faire" blog, as well as from Melanie Morgan. These are more ridiculous than any Bushism. Check out the outstanding stupidity of these people...



“It is a decision of the Supreme Court. So this is almost as if God has spoken.”
– Nancy Pelosi reacting to the Supreme Court’s decision on “eminent domain”

“It makes it very difficult to quit smoking under this administration.”
— Actor Sean Penn, blaming President Bush for his smoking habit

“You think everyone over there is a college graduate? They’re 19 and 20-year-old kids who couldn’t get a job… You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they’re not war experts… They’re not the best people to ask about the war because they’re gonna die any second.”
— Actor Richard Belzer, showing his “support” for our troops

"American presence in Iraq is more dangerous to world peace than nuclear threats from North Korea or Iran. "
– Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., to an audience of more than 200 in North Miami

“We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds.”
– Howard Dean

“I couldn’t be happier for the privilege of sitting down with the president of Iran.”
– CBS’s Mike Wallace to Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad


“Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America.”
- Rosie O’Donnell

“Don’t fear the terrorists. They’re mothers and fathers.”
– Rosie O’Donnell

“I wrote this book [’What a Party’] to remind people what the Clinton administration meant to us and the world. [The Clinton years showed how to] restore moral authority.”
– Terry McAuliffe

“We pay the soldiers a decent wage, take care of their families, provide them with housing and medical care and vast social support systems and ship obscene amenities into the war zone for them, we support them in every possible way, and their attitude is that we should in addition roll over and play dead, defer to the military and the generals and let them fight their war, and give up our rights and responsibilities to speak up because they are above society?… [It] is just an ugly reminder of the price we pay for a mercenary—oops sorry, volunteer—force that thinks it is doing the dirty work.”
— Washington Post and NBC “military analyst” William Arkin

“A Zebra Doesn’t Change It’s Spots”
-Al Gore

“Nobody is suffering more than the Palestinian people”
– Barack Obama said while on the final leg of his weekend trip to eastern Iowa


"Congressman Murtha has enjoys an excellent reputation in the Congress on both sides of the aisle.”
– Speaker Nancy Pelosi

“During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet”
-Al Gore

"I've now been in 57 states – I think one left to go."
-Barack Obama

"If you want change, you want the Democrat Party. Barack Obama was a community organizer like Jesus, who our minister just prayed about. Pontius Pilate was a governor."
-Steve Cohen

"It was an unidentified flying object, OK? It's, like, it's unidentified."
-Dennis Kucinich on seeing a UFO

"This is the greatest country on Earth. Help me to change it!"
-Barack Obama

"Hillary would have made a better Vice President than me."
-Joe Biden

Yep, folks. These are the mental midgets running our country. And they called Bush an idiot...

Hilarious Political Cartoons from Austrailia

Check out this link! These are the funniest (and truest) cartoons I've ever seen! The Austrailians have a better grip on American politics than most Americans.

http://usa-wethepeople.com/australian-cartoonsnever-seen-in-america/

Change, What Change?

Conservatives please leave the room. Thank You. Turn off the lights. Close the door. Start the projector. Let me take you to a land where change is yours for the asking. Isn't is beautiful! Can't you see the Mountains as they burst forth the with the levening of dreams that come true. Close you eyes and take in the nebulize aroma of promises of a better world. Now ask yourself what change do "You" would want, let yourself go as we take you to a place where all your dreams do come true. Don't worrry about the consequences -there are none. Money? We've got plenty! Enough love to go around for us (Liberals) ? You jest. What's the name of this wonderful land where all this can happen? Nom - Me - Nuee Land. You can be there when I am in office. I will give you all your hearts desires. It is yours for the taking!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't think just vote and I will take care of the rest. ARE YOU WITH ME? I SAID ARE YOU WITH ME? I CAN'T HERE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU! CAN YOU SAY AMEN? CAN YOU SAY AMENNNNNA? AMEM BROTHER AND SISTERS! ALL WILL BE OK!

Now open your eyes and let your bordened souls dwell on me. I am the truth and the answer to your problems.

Lights please. As you leave please get a bumper sticker and leave a little something in the hat for
the cause. Remember we are the world. THE CROWD LEAVES ONE BY ONE - HAND IN HAND, SINGING PRAISES TO OBAMA - ALL IS WELL!

Pardon

Well, Thank You President Bush!

This was the best news we have had in a while. President Bush has pardoned the sentences for the two border patrol agents who got railroaded by the Courts. I wish the two men and their families all the best and I hope they can now move on and enjoy their lives.


Thanks again President Bush!!!!!!!!!!!

STUPID THINGS PEOPLE DO

The title is not as precise as I would it it so I will expand on it. Stupid things that people do either because of ignorance - bad upbringing - lack of sensitivity - or they just don't give a hoot what you or anyone else thinks. They don't even like themselves that much either or they would think twice before acting out their disgusting and sometimes dangerous ways! Some are just disgusting while others cause destruction to themselves and a multitude that are living in the same world they we are living in.

1. Leaving your chewing gum under a table
2. Leaving behind the trash that you could have discarded
3. Cutting in line
4. Flipping the bird - now really
5. Making fun of others - Shameful!
6. Getting in an express line with a basket full and way over the limit
7. Loudly carrying on a conversation while on your cell phone in public
8. Cursing in public
9. Getting in a loud argument with your kids while in public
10. Looking down on others
11. Laughing at God
12. Slamming the car door
13. Walking into a house with muddy shoes
14. Spitting out the window of the car
15. Slamming your brakes to get someone off your tail
16. Starting or participating in an argument while on the road
17. Flopping yourself down next to someone as to cause a disturbance - RUDE
18. Playing your music so loud as to annoy others
19. Talking on a cell phone in a theatre
20. Failing to control your bodily functions while in public
21. Making annoying sounds
22. Staring at others
23. Speaking in a foreign language different from the norm in an elevator full of people
24. Putting on makeup while driving
25. Going out in public in your pajamas
26. Walking into someone without excusing yourself
27. Driving in the fast lane going slower than the speed limit
28. Popping your pimples in public
29. Walking out of the house looking like a slob
30. Having a tattoo placed anywhere on your body
31. Throwing your trash on the ground
32. Wearing outrageous attire simply for the reason of causing a scene
33. Fat people exposing their blubber in public
34. Letting your children talk back to you
35. Cursing at your employees
36. Voting without thinking first!
37. Letting your emotions get the best of you
38. Failure to come to grips with your problems
39. Going through life thinking someone owes you a living
40. Ignoring your potential to excel
41. Thinking you are better than everybody else
42. Waiting too long to make the right decisions
43. Forgetting to thank God for his mercy
44. Living with experiencing success
45. Getting in a fight without proper training
46. Underestimating your opponent
47. Failure to take a risk
48. Living beyond your means
49. Neglecting your family
50. Thinking you are always right
51. Thinking you are always wrong
52. Judging a person until you know the facts
53. Painting without a drop cloth
54. Living without a safety net
55. Ignoring the obvious
56. Letting your kids walk all over you
57. Pushing yourself on others
58. Be a bully
59. Cheating on a test
60. Lying to your parents
61. Assuming your parents are dumber than poot
62. Participating in drugs
63. Drinking too much
64. Wishing your troubles would go away and doing nothing to make it happen
65. Thinking you are worthless
66. Abandoning a child
67. Having an abortion
68. Failing to acknowledge abortion is "killing another human being"
69. Never having an original thought
70. Spending more than you have
71. Letting people walk all over you
72. Not exercising
73. Overeating
74. Exposing your filthy mind to others
75. Forgetting your the parent
76. Letting kids have too much voice in the way they are raised
77. Schools abandoning dress codes
78. Trying to please everybody
79. Parents letting their kids dress like whores, hoodlums, gangsters, drug addicts, degenerates and sociopaths
80. Failure of the grownups to control violence in school
81. Parents failing to grow up
82. Not fighting back against evil
83. Allowing your kids to control you
84. Giving your kid too much
85. Failure to teach your kid the value of respect
86. Thinking you can't make a difference
87. Wearing clothes that are skin tight and two sizes too small
88. Being obnoxious in public
89. Speaking in anger
90. Not knowing when to quit
91. Overstaying your welcome

THESE Are Obama's Supporters!

A picture is worth a thousand words. 15 mugshots of criminals wearing Obama shirts: Priceless.