My Letter to the World

Dear World,

The purpose of this letter is to officially inform you of my resignation as a Reasonable Human Being, effective immediately. Evidence will show that I gave it the ’ole college try, but the position is too difficult to maintain given recent developments. When you mercilessly made fun of our President, George Bush, for is inability to speak intelligently, I said nothing. To tell the truth, I laughed along with you because…well…it was pretty damn funny. When you (especially France) turned your haughty, crooked noses up at America, I let it go. After all, everyone knows the French are bat-shit crazy. I even silently endured Rosie O’Donnell’s rants about 9/11 being an inside job. No one takes her seriously, anyway. But when political “jihad” was declared against conservatives, and no one said a peep, I realized that my position as a Reasonable Human Being would be among the first to be made redundant, so I’m quitting before you can fire me.

I admit that this has been a satisfying position. I do love a good challenge and I had plenty during my career. It was truly difficult to root for Hillary Clinton in the Democratic Primaries this past year, but after I saw the 100 whopping days of experience her opponent had, I managed to croak out, “You go, girl.” I found myself in actual pain watching Bill Clinton try to define sex, while simultaneously explaining to my grandparents that oral sex was indeed not “when you talk about it.” What can I say-I’m an excellent multi-tasker with a strong stomach. And you better believe it took all my strength to give a damn about terrorists being mistreated in prison after you expressed such concern and outrage. A consummate professional, I stayed reasonable through all of this and more. Unfortunately, the problem of my salary reared it’s ugly head. The day I sat down and tried to figure out how to make money without actually earning it, I knew I would have to find employment elsewhere. I know, I know…welfare was the first thing that came to my mind, too. But apparently you have to be too lazy to blink in order to qualify.

Unfortunately, in our current economy, finding a new job is a bit of a problem. I had no idea that Reasonable Human Beings are not in-demand at all, and the jobs we do qualify for are overworked and underpaid positions like teachers, secretaries, police officers, and social workers. I concentrated on jobs that offer respect, admiration, and 6-figures, but all I found was a high-demand for celebrities. Since I can’t sing or act, I tried swearing off underwear, only wore short skirts, and exited cars spread-eagle, but all I did was frighten the patrons of Starbucks. My standards would obviously have to be lowered during this time of recession. So I crossed respect and admiration off my list and focused on the money. I’d have to demoralize myself, but that Elliott Spitzer call-girl raked in some serious cash and even became somewhat of a celebrity. So I grabbed my hooker heels and my rape whistle, and I hit the street. Unfortunately, my first customer was one of those womanizing Kennedy’s. Was it Ed? Fred? Ned? Whatever his name, I took one look at him and realized that my choices were poverty or 15 minutes with him. Malnutrition looked better than this guy, so I got the hell out of there. But I did get an idea from the Senator. I could work in Congress! I would have to be soul-crushingly evil, but the pay was great! Plus the job transition would be easy. After all, screwing people for money is the same no matter what you call it. However, once my constituents discovered that I had once been a Reasonable Human Being, they ran me out of town.

After striking out in the workforce, I realized I would have to fight fire with fire. You seem to be earning a comfortable living by making unreasonable demands and suing, fighting, lying, or crying when they are not met. Since the position of Reasonable Human Being is no longer an option for your company, I’d like to submit my application for Professional Fed-Up Bitch. The following is a list of demands I have, just to demonstrate my qualifications:

1. I expect a reputable, national newspaper on my desk every morning that is written and published by someone that doesn’t have their head up Obama’s ass.

2. I will no longer accept the term “White” to describe my ethnicity. Since Scottish-Irish-English-Swiss American is too long, I prefer the term “ White-Hot-Mama”. Anything other than this will be interpreted as disrespect and I will be forced hold a press conference to announce to the world how racist you are.

3. I demand all illegal aliens that choose not to bother themselves with those pesky citizenship papers be deported to their countries until they are willing to cross the border legally, pay taxes, and learn English.

4. I demand that Michael Moore, Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, and all the other radical liberals protesting the war and defending our enemies, be escorted to downtown Afganistan and left there.

5. I double-dog-dare Barack Obama to recite passages from the Koran.

6. Since atheism is an official religion, based on the argument that a religion is defined as any belief, I demand anti-atheism be declared a religion. Since I also have a right to my own federal holiday, I demand June 1st be declared “Annoy An Atheist Day.”

7. Since global warming is a crucial concern, and Al Gore makes me feel like I’ve drowned a kitten every time I drive my non-alternative-fuel car, I demand he use his considerable wealth to buy a hybrid car for every American. Oh what the hell…illegal aliens are people too and deserve whatever Americans have. Buy them one too.

8. I would like all of the tax money I paid that went toward the bailout, abortions, paying for illegial aliens, housing prisoners convicted of crimes against children, and all the other things I am passionately against, be refunded to me immediately. I will expect an invoice showing where my money is going from this point forward. If it’s not to my liking, I will be using my money for the issues important to me.

9. I would like to see Barney Frank sing “I’m a Little Teacup.”

10. I demand that the jerks who begged for billions of bailout money, then took their employees on vacation at a posh resort be imprisoned for life.

11. Any rapper wishing to sing about “bitches and hoes” must first be able to spell these words, and then must submit to castration before the album is released.

12. All aide being given to foreign countries will immediately be terminated. As we are so often reminded, they hate us. Tell them to ask France or China for help.

13. If we’re going to allow abortions, then we’re bringing eugenics back. The weak, stupid, and insane will be sterilized and kept from breeding. This should almost end abortion.

Finally, I will leave you with a parting thought to sum up my position as a Reasonable Human Being: Take this job and shove it! I’m looking forward to bringing all the passion and dedication that I gave my former job, to my new role as Professional Fed-Up Bitch. God help you.

Good luck,
Holly

Go ahead and write your own letter to the world!